| We hope you enjoy your visit. You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| An Aussie version of a very old joke.; Warning: Not for the easily offended. | |
|---|---|
| Topic Started: 27 Apr 2009, 04:40 PM (168 Views) | |
| lor now in Oz! | 27 Apr 2009, 04:40 PM Post #1 |
Elite Member
|
Aussie sensitivity Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suctioned-cupped herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!" Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said. "S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)." They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B." "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber. "Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples." "Play with her nipples?," Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate!" "No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive" :rofl: |
 |
 
|
| Amanda & Simon | 27 Apr 2009, 10:48 PM Post #2 |
Braiiiiiinnnss
|
:pmsl: Not heard that before. |
|
|
|
| manwinoname | 28 Apr 2009, 12:22 PM Post #3 |
manwinoname
|
Good one :rofl: Are you a fan of Roy Chubby Brown by any chance :Grin: Cheers :Beer: Steve |
|
|
|
| lor now in Oz! | 28 Apr 2009, 12:50 PM Post #4 |
|
Elite Member
|
Love him! :kissed: Here's one for the road.....hehehe Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland .' The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!' The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be'? The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.' The first guy responds, 'So am I!' 'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Dublin ? The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.' The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going'? The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.' The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'? The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self!' About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.' Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'? 'The Murphy twins are drunk again.' :pmsl: |
|
|
|
| Amanda & Simon | 1 May 2009, 12:51 AM Post #5 |
|
Braiiiiiinnnss
|
Just been chatting to my mum in the UK and heard one that could go in here: Bloke goes into a pub with an ostrich and a cat. He walks up to the bar and orders three pints. The barman is curious but doesn't say anything, just pulls the pints and watches the guy take them back to where the cat and the ostrich have found a table After a while they finish their drinks and the ostrich gets up. "My round isn't it?" the barman hears the ostrich say. The other two nod so the ostrich goes up to the bar and asks for another three pints. The barman's curiosity is increasing but he still keeps quiet and just pulls three more pints (history does not relate how an ostrich manages to carry three full pint glasses :wink: ). Some more time goes by and eventually the three need another refill. "Your round then" the barman hears the man say to the cat. "Nope, it's yours again" the cat says. "Come on mate, he got 'em in when we arrived" says the ostrich. "Nope" says the cat. "I got the last one in last week so you both owe me a round." The barman can see that the ostrich is about to protest this point but the man says to forget it and he'll get the round. The barman can't stand any more of it so when the man comes to the bar as he starts pulling pints he leans forward and quietly says "Look mate, I've just got to ask you this. What the hell's going on?" "Ah" says the man. "I'm surprised you didn't ask earlier in fact. Thing is, a few weeks ago I was cleaning out the attic and found this old stoppered bottle. I opened it up and a genie came out, and he offered to grant me a wish" "Bloody hell" says the barman. "So what did you wish for?" The man takes a reflective swig of his pint and says "Yeah, well, I should have been a bit more specific about that I think. I asked him for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy." Or a much shorter pub joke.... Cosine, θ and √ all go into a pub. The barman says "sorry, but we don't cater for functions". :mah: I'll get me coat. |
|
|
|
| « Previous Topic · Chat · Next Topic » |
5:48 AM Sep 5
